Stop Overreacting Read online

  William was not able to succeed in any job that required him to work in an office or directly with a supervisor. However, he landed a sales job that allowed him to manage different accounts in different locations and he made a good income. His most pressing problem was his marriage. The week before they started therapy, his wife had threatened to divorce him unless he changed. She accused him of not caring and not participating in their family life. Every time that she wanted to get him involved in handling the children or the family finances, he would agree to whatever she proposed but not follow through. From his point of view, if he didn’t do exactly what she wanted when she wanted it, he was going to be criticized, so why even bother? He didn’t understand why, but every time she had a plan that involved him, he was filled with dread. He loved his wife and children but needed to have plenty of commitments and projects outside of the home so that he had an excuse to leave the house when things got uncomfortable.

  In William’s schema, women with plans that included him were dangerous. His mother and sisters would scrutinize his performance and, quite frequently, impose limits on his freedom to teach him a lesson. The schema of having a woman place an expectation on him was accompanied by a fear that he wouldn’t be able to perform and anticipation that he would have restrictions placed on him. Years later, any attempt his wife made to involve him in parenting or figuring out their finances filled him with the same sense of dread. The experience of being asked for something by a woman was all that was needed to conjure up the old schema of scrutiny and punishment. His assumption that his wife would do the same thing pushed him to agree and then to escape in order to avoid the consequences. Motivation to avoid something unpleasant is a driving force that can activate our thoughts, feelings, and behavior.

  Identifying Stored Schemas

  Whether the schema has been revived because of a certain feeling or something about the circumstance, once it is in place we view the present situation in a very restricted way. It is useful to know some of the schemas that tend to resurface in moments of tension, but it is impossible to know all of the possible belief systems that can lead you to overreact. However, there are themes that tend to be repeated in the way we interact with others. Often, experiences from childhood continue to inform the way we interpret and respond to situations in our adult lives. If you are able to identify the beliefs and expectations that resurface when you overreact, you may be better able to notice when problematic schemas have resurfaced. As you will see in chapter 12, there are ways to recognize and eliminate the lenses that distort the moment so that you can more clearly focus on the immediate situation.

  End-of-Chapter Exercise: Identifying Beliefs and Expectations

  Several psychologists have developed questionnaires to identify common schemas that developed from the patterns between you and your childhood caretakers (Benjamin et al. 2006; Young, Klosko, and Weishaar 2003). Even when you are an adult and can choose the people you want to be intimate with, the core beliefs established in childhood may continue to influence your thinking and expectations.

  In this exercise, underline how you think your parents would have most frequently responded. Then ask yourself if your philosophy of life or your typical way of responding to others is similar to the schema listed in the column on the far right.

  As children, we all had moments when we doubted our ability, needed help or reassurance from an adult, failed to live up to standards, or were excluded. It is impossible to pass through childhood without experiencing each of these situations. In vulnerable moments, our schemas become the lenses that make us interpret a situation a particular way. The feelings that were part of the earlier experience convince us that the same uncomfortable thing is happening again. When this happens, our expectations and response take over before we honestly understand exactly what is unfolding at the moment.

  If you can identify the beliefs and expectations that were created in your childhood, then you are in a better position to notice when old lenses are coloring the way you are viewing the present. Your emotional response will be extremely familiar to you, especially if it is disturbing or uncomfortable.

  Once you become aware that an old emotional schema has been activated, you are in a better position to prevent an overreaction. Just knowing that your interpretation may not be entirely accurate can help you in a number of ways. Rather than letting yourself go with the flow, you can step back and focus on returning to a balanced position. Techniques to help you do that will be explained in chapter 12, but the ability to identify the beliefs that make you vulnerable are a vital part of this skill. Once you have identified an old schema, you have developed the ability to challenge it on the grounds that it belongs to the past. As you will see in subsequent chapters, we can choose to challenge our thoughts in order to find better ways of responding.

  Chapter 4

  Family Values and Expectations

  As much as we are shaped by the experiences that are captured in schemas, our identities are also influenced by aspects of our family life that have established our values. There is an old saying that “children become what they see,” and to some extent, this seems to be true. Tacit knowledge refers to unspoken beliefs that we simply assume are held by everyone. We take these assumptions for granted, and when we encounter people who have different beliefs, we typically believe that they are wrong. Although there are different theories that explain how beliefs get passed down from generation to generation, the one that influences my own thinking about this has been developed by psychoanalysts.

  Identification

  Over the past fifty years, several psychoanalysts, such as W. W. Meissner (1980, 1986), have written on the subject of identity formation. Basically, they believe that we are strongly affected by our relationships and early interactions with our parents. When we are very young, we need to have a physical connection to feel secure. One of the challenges of going to school is being able to remind ourselves of our parents’ availability when they are out of sight. If you have ever seen a child clinging to a favorite stuffed animal or blanket, you have observed what analysts call a transitional object: the stuffed animal or blanket helps remind the child that her loving parents have not disappeared forever and that she will be reunited with them in a few short hours. As she matures, she will find a way to keep that mental image and belief within her, so that by the time she turns six, she won’t need her blanket very often; she will have found a different way to connect with the power of her parents’ protection. Although she initially needed to see her parents or be held in order to feel safe, in time she is able to re-create the feeling of being safe by seeing or holding her blanket. Eventually, she shifts to a mental reference that brings the same sense of relief for her whenever she feels frightened or lonely.

  We all have these internalized images of people who are important to us. What is even more fascinating, though, is that, over time, some of the qualities of these internalized images “leak” into our sense of self. Characteristics and values that we originally absorbed to preserve a sense of connection eventually become a permanent part of the way we experience ourselves. As time passes, we may not even realize that many aspects of our personality or outlook on life are unconsciously borrowed from the people who raised us.

  Core Values

  The process of identification helps explain how we acquire values and expectations for ourselves and the new families that we create. Often they become the core of our tacit knowledge, the things that we “just know.” Although we typically reevaluate some of these values and expectations as we enter adolescence, many are never questioned or challenged.

  During my years of experience working with families, it has always been interesting to see how a person who is the product of one family environment manages to adjust to another person whose tacit knowledge was created in a very different context. Even two people who share similar ethnic, religious, socioeconomic, and neighborhood backgrounds will have fundamental values and expectations that diffe
r. Many of these beliefs are tested as the young couple struggles to establish the family rituals that will define them as they create their own home. Nesting brings many of these tacit beliefs to the foreground as the couple establishes their own customs and routines. Their expectations regarding religion, meals, purchases, and time spent with family, friends, or alone must be negotiated as things they took for granted are questioned or challenged by partners whose expectations and assumptions may be very different. Often, a couple must grapple with core assumptions and expectations that emerge when they become new parents and realize the importance of the core values that they want to instill in their children.

  Marissa and Cameron’s Story

  Marissa and Cameron felt blessed when, after five frustrating years of trying to have children, they brought home their healthy twin boys. When it came to preparing a nursery and choosing a pediatrician, the couple had arrived at decisions in a supportive and productive way. But Marissa really lost it when Cameron unpacked a box of presents her parents had shipped to them. Some of them were appropriate for infants, but others were intended to be used as the boys grew older. Marissa’s parents had sent several expensive outfits and toys. As each gift was unwrapped, Cameron shook his head in disapproval and insisted that Marissa put all of the toys that required batteries back in the box. “I don’t want my boys to be spoiled, and I don’t want them to get used to these kinds of things. Children need to be able to construct things for themselves and use their imagination. Tell your parents to take these back and just get the boys blocks.”

  Marissa knew that Cameron’s family had less money than her family and that Cameron had put himself through college. But her parents had good intentions and wanted to show their love for their grandchildren in ways that were similar to how they had raised her. Marissa thought that Cameron was being pushy, unreasonable, and unkind to her family. She snapped at him that the toys were going to stay whether he liked it or not.

  Although Marissa and Cameron shared many values about raising children, Marissa was comfortable with luxury items and the latest gadgets. Her own memories of having these kinds of toys were familiar and pleasurable to her. Cameron, on the other hand, had worked at a country club throughout high school. He had seen families with money spoil their children with unnecessary indulgences. Cameron felt that those kinds of families looked down on hardworking families like his, and he had watched pampered infants turn into demanding brats who ended up being careless with property and unappreciative. Just as keeping the presents filled Marissa with a sense of continuity, the luxury items filled Cameron with horror. Both reactions were based on tacit assumptions formed in childhood.

  Disidentification

  Part of the process of becoming independent from our parents is recognizing the things about us that are unique and different. Even if we loved our parents dearly, there were probably certain things about them or the way they treated each other that we hated. I have worked with many people who recall being horrified by their parents’ tempers or ashamed by the way their parents behaved in front of others. They recalled that, as children, they had silently vowed never to act that way when they grew up. The act of recoiling against a parent’s values and deciding to do things differently forms the basis of disidentification. The passion to not become like your parents can be a powerful force in shaping values and expectations (J. P. Siegel 2004).

  Although most of us would like to believe that choosing to do things differently is a big improvement, the pressure to be “opposite” is quite a burden. Even when we are deeply committed to living up to a certain standard, there are occasions when it is almost impossible to carry it out. While we all feel badly when we compromise our own standards and values, when we do something that violates a disidentification, we are often thrown out of emotional equilibrium.

  For example, if you felt that your parents were disinterested in your schoolwork or after-school activities, you might vow to become the kind of parent who is always there for your children. But inevitably there will be times when you just can’t be in two places at once. Even a mother with the best intentions will have conflicting responsibilities that prevent her from being at every event her children request. While most of us would feel bad to have to disappoint a child, those of us who have taken the vow of prioritizing our children’s need for attention would have an extreme emotional reaction. Whether such a parent ends up getting frantic and rescheduling everything or simply shuts down, the intensity of the reaction has much more to do with the power of disidentification than the reality of the situation.

  Successful adult coping requires flexibility and a wide range of options. When we are tied into behavior that is the opposite of a despised trait, we get locked into a very narrow frame, which usually makes us feel unbearably anxious or angry if we can’t pull it off. We may also be highly reactive to the despised trait in others and may overreact when we find it in other people who can influence a shared outcome at home or at work. Often, we felt powerless in childhood to demand change from the adults who cared for us. But when we find the same objectionable traits in our adult relationships, we protest in a way that goes far beyond what the situation calls for.

  Sandra and Brian’s Story

  Sandra and Brian started dating in high school and, for the most part, had a successful marriage. While Sandra tended to be volatile and impulsive, Brian was calm and predictable, and both were pleased with the balance they brought to their shared life. The only thing that displeased Sandra was Brian’s tendency to do things in ways that often fell below her expectations. While she didn’t expect that he would always do everything perfectly, she found herself getting furious when she saw him putting something off that she had asked him to do. From Brian’s point of view, Sandra seemed to go crazy every time he wanted to relax. She made him feel that watching a game on TV or taking a nap on a Sunday afternoon was a sin.

  In therapy, I asked Sandra about her parents’ marriage and about which parent had been the more demanding. Sandra immediately answered that her parents were actually very similar and that they both could let things go without getting too distressed. Sandra grew up thinking that everyone made mashed potatoes from a packaged mix and that furniture scratches or stains couldn’t be repaired. In contrast, both of her maternal grandparents seemed to be more focused on achievement. She could tell that her grandparents were deeply disappointed in the way their daughter managed her life and that they were closer to their other children. As Sandra grew older and spent time at her friends’ houses, her embarrassment about her own parents grew. In time, Sandra judged her parents to be lazy and felt that their style of accepting the easy way out had held the whole family back. She set higher standards for herself and vowed to create a family life that was based on higher standards than she had grown up with.

  Her grandparents had helped pay for Sandra’s college tuition and seemed proud of her good grades. Sandra got engaged to her high school boyfriend in her final year of college. In part, her attraction to Brian was based on his intelligence and ambition and the shared values they would carry forward.

  Although Sandra could acknowledge that everyone was entitled to relax sometimes, she found it almost impossible not to react when Brian settled into his spot in front of the TV. Sandra’s overreaction contain a mix of identification and disidentification. Sandra would find herself overcome by irritability and disapproval that was related to a belief that Brian was somehow complacent or lazy. Without realizing it, she feared that Brian was just like her parents and that his laziness would take over their shared life. To Sandra, a man who could be content with the substandard would never be someone she could respect or genuinely partner with. The urgency of the situation was based on a fear that if she let one thing slide, their entire family would tumble into a sea of mediocrity.

  Self-Knowledge

  The values and beliefs that we grow up with often hold tremendous power over us. Many of the triggers that set off an overreaction have a connectio
n to our childhood experiences. By understanding the identifications and disidentifications that define us, we are able to better understand why certain themes tend to upset us. In the middle of an emotional reaction, we don’t have the ability to analyze the tacit beliefs that have been activated. However, knowing which issues are our own personal hot buttons helps us recognize them when the thoughts and feelings are awakened. Later in this book, I will help you consider ways to loosen the power of old beliefs, but the first step is to understand the themes that make you vulnerable to overreacting.

  End-of-Chapter Exercise: How Well Do You Know Yourself?

  In the following exercise, I will refer to those who raised you as your mother and father, regardless of whether they are biological, step-, or adoptive parents, or important figures in your upbringing. I use the term “marriage” whether your parents are or were partners or married. If you experienced more than one parental marriage during your childhood, you can jot down your answers for all that you remember. If you were raised in a single-parent home, just answer the questions that apply to your childhood. You don’t need to restrict your response or feel bad if you leave questions blank. I will be asking you to refer to your answers here to do other parts of these exercises, so I encourage you to write down the answers to these questions in a notebook or journal, as there is just too much information to remember.