Stop Overreacting Read online

  Another exercise Dr. Jacobs developed helps you become familiar with feelings by approaching them in a new way. When you are in an emotional neutral zone, choose one of the feelings that you want to understand better from the lists above. To increase awareness of how you experience that particular feeling, ask yourself the following questions: If it was a color, what would it be? If it was a landscape, what would it be? If it was a piece of music, what would it be? You may not realize it, but there is already a strong connection between your senses and your feeling world. The next time you are watching a scary movie or TV show, pay attention to the music that is used in the scenes that create the most suspense. Look more closely at the smells that are used in aromatherapy or bath products that make you feel relaxed or invigorated. Our senses and our feeling world can be mutually informative.

  If you take the time to acquaint yourself with each of the feelings on the lists above, you will have accomplished an important first step toward learning how to swim in the ocean of your feeling world. When you lose your fear of the water, you will learn to relax and enjoy it instead of fighting to stay above it. Rather than struggle to keep your eyes focused on the mountaintop, which is more familiar, you will learn that there is beauty and wonder in the waters you have avoided for so long.

  Developing Mind-Body Awareness

  Many people are surprised to learn how intertwined our minds and bodies really are. Deep emotional responses are accompanied by stress hormones that can be experienced in different parts of the body. Our muscles, digestive tract, circulatory system, and central nervous system have different ways of “knowing” and reacting to different feelings. Sometimes, a change in the physical self is the first signal we have that an event is evoking an intense emotional response.

  Ultimately, your goal is to learn to notice the subtle physical responses that occur as you experience different emotions. Emotional responses rarely emerge in full-blown intensity, even though it may seem that way. Usually, there are stirrings and physical changes that can alert you to an impending storm if you know how to read your radar map.

  By focusing on the different physical sensations that accompany specific feelings, you are opening up a new world of information. Learning to recognize and describe feelings may sound easy, but it is actually quite challenging, as well as extremely important to your overall emotional well-being. All of this information will help you face difficult moments in an entirely new way—a way that allows you to prevent overreaction.

  End-of-Chapter Exercises

  Learning to navigate the world of feelings can be both scary and fascinating. These exercises are designed to help you become more familiar with feelings. Chances are, the more you practice, the more comfortable you will become.

  Exercise 1: Body Scan

  Scanning your body for information is an important skill that will help you identify emotional responses and feelings as they first arise. It is also another way of strengthening brain circuits as you learn to notice and make sense of the physical, thinking, and feeling components of your life.

  Part 1

  Start from a neutral, relaxed position in a setting where you have few distractions. You might want to close your eyes as you zero in on the different parts of your body.

  Ask yourself if you are aware of carrying any tension in your body. Do any of your muscles feel tense or uncomfortable? How rapidly is your heart beating? Are you aware of any tightness in your neck or chest? Think about how your hands feel. Are your fingers clenched or open? Do your palms seem sweaty or dry? What does your gut feel like? Feelings occur in our bodies as well as our minds. When you know how your body is when you are relaxed, you will by able to notice how you change under stress or during an emotional upheaval.

  Part 2

  Go back to the lists of feelings earlier in this chapter. Choose one of the feelings that you want to learn more about. Try to remember an actual experience that made you feel this way. Spend a minute or two recovering as many details as you can until you begin to feel the emotion as if you were back in the experience. Now, do another body scan. Ask yourself all the questions posed in part 1 of this exercise: How does your body feel during this particular emotional state? Think about the tension you may be carrying in different parts of your body. If you are uncomfortable, where do you notice it the most? If you feel better, can you notice it in any part of your body? By noticing the different physical sensations that accompany specific feelings, you are opening up a new world of information.

  Part 3

  Now try a guided scan. Just as difficult situations can create unpleasant emotional and physical reactions, wonderful experiences are also registered in our bodies and feelings. When we revisit these experiences, our memories can re-create the mood and physical state that we experienced at that moment. In this exercise, I want you to think about a memory of a time when you felt very happy or very safe. The memory you select for this exercise might be from a time when you were on vacation or in the company of someone who loves you or has protected you. Think about what happened that pleased you the most. What do you see? What do you hear? Do you remember any particular smells? Try to go back in time so that the details of all of your senses can be recovered. You will find that after spending a few minutes thinking about the details of one specific memory, your body and mood will shift under the influence of this positive emotional memory. Do another body scan to notice the effect that this memory has on you.

  If you have cut yourself off from your feeling world, then you have been deprived of the curative and restorative power of feelings. When we learn how to allow a positive experience to register in our minds and bodies, we are developing an antidote to the stress that ­accumulates, regardless of our ability to identify it. By learning to memorize a wonderful moment with all of your senses, you can create a storehouse of positive experiences to replenish you and help you get through a difficult time. If you open yourself up to positive feelings, such as joy, pride, gratitude, comfort, and affection, you will become more attuned to moments that have the power to add to your reservoir of well-being (Fosha 2000).

  Exercise 2: Making Connections

  Each time you are able to share an important experience with another person, you have the opportunity to enhance the connections between the left and right parts of your brain. This exercise requires a willing partner who understands the goal and is prepared to experiment with you. It is better to speak face-to-face, but the exercise can be done over the phone as well. If you can’t think of anyone you could safely do this with right now, then consider my comments at the end of this exercise regarding the benefits of joining a group.

  Part 1

  You will now work with a partner to create empathy. Ask your partner to talk about something important that happened to her recently—something that doesn’t directly relate to you or a shared friend or family member. As your partner describes the situation, try to picture what it must have been like for her. Think about how she was feeling at that moment. Try to put yourself in her position. When she has finished telling her story, try to identify one or two feelings she may have experienced. It is up to the two of you to decide if you should make comments to one another or just thank your partner for sharing something important.

  Part 2

  Now it’s your turn to share. Tell your partner something that’s happened to you recently that doesn’t involve her directly. As you speak, try to identify the way you were feeling. When you are finished, your friend may comment on feelings she registered. Remember, your friend or partner is commenting on her own feeling response and may not have processed your story as you did. Some people are very skilled at mirroring back the feelings they have received; others find that something has triggered them to focus on their own memories and feelings. However, your partner is doing her best to understand your story and respond in an honest way. Even if she hasn’t fully understood your experience, the most important part of this exercise is the opportunity for you to put your
thoughts and feelings together in a conversation. If you are able to do that, then your partner’s response is just the icing on the cake. If you did find that her response mirrored what you were saying, then acknowledge how helpful that has been.

  Each time you pause to connect your ideas and feelings, you are opening up and strengthening the channels that connect different parts of your brain. When you do this in an atmosphere where you feel encouraged and supported, your comfort level with speaking about your feelings will grow automatically.

  This exercise can also work in groups that have been designed to support people who are going through similar experiences. Consider the advantages of learning to explore the emotional realm with people who don’t know you at work or in the ordinary parts of your day. Self-help groups exist for people who are experiencing relationship transitions, adjusting to new communities, acting as caretakers for family members who are ill, and more. People who have similar circumstances (such as managing medical conditions or raising children without a partner) often benefit from learning how others handle similar problems. There are also groups for people supporting each other in fighting addiction and other kinds of mental illnesses, such as depression or obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). If you have never before taken the risk to spend a few hours in a support group, this might be the perfect opportunity to take that chance. Allowing yourself to empathize with others and share your own feelings with those who understand what you are going through can help you shift your brain circuits to respond in new ways.

  Chapter 3

  Interpreting Events

  Recall that there are three ingredients in an overreaction: the event that has triggered a sense of danger, an immediate response that involves our emotions as well as our physical state, and an interpretation of unfolding events that may be colored by defenses and emotional memories. The worlds of thoughts and feelings are not as distinct from each other as some people would like to believe. The brain tends to interpret events very quickly, using assumptions and expectations that are not always appropriate. While most of us could explain what we think about a number of issues, we do not always understand the unchallenged assumptions that have led us to those positions.

  Are You Seeing Clearly?

  To understand the power of tacit beliefs, I often use the analogy of lenses like the ones that are used in cameras or eyeglasses. Our beliefs add certain hues to the lenses through which we view the world. Sometimes the scene in front of us takes on a color that belongs more to the glasses than to the actual landscape. Our beliefs can also magnify or reduce the subject matter, leading us to believe that things are much closer or farther away than they actually are. When this happens, something we need to be taking notice of may fade into the background, while we end up overfocusing on something that is relatively unimportant. However, unlike sunglasses or a camera, the filters created by our beliefs slip into place silently, so that we may not even know they are in operation.

  Beliefs about ourselves and the people we are tied to are closely linked to a memory system that contains past events along with the feelings that were experienced at the time of the event. Rapid response is a necessary part of life, and we rarely take time to question what memories or beliefs might be influencing the way we interpret a certain incident. In fact, our minds are constantly sorting through stored information to access pieces of acquired knowledge that will help us interpret given moments (Lewis and Todd 2007).

  With the help of neuroimaging equipment, researchers are becoming more aware of the parts of the brain that we use to help us navigate relationships. Even though it may only take us a few seconds to react to a situation, several areas of the brain may be called upon. Situations that involve nonverbal behavior or inference are actually quite complex and depend on different parts of the brain than just the part that decodes language (Ochsner and Gross 2007). Our long-term memories are stored in yet another part of the brain and are often needed to help us make sense of the relationships we have at home and at work. The more connections that are required between different parts of the brain, the greater the potential for error (Compton 2003; Grawe 2006). Inevitably, we must focus on certain aspects and discount others.

  Revived Beliefs

  Problems arise when a situation triggers an intense emotion that we don’t fully understand. When this happens, previous experiences that share the same emotional flavor as the current event are resurrected to help us quickly make sense of what is going on. Most of the time this works to our advantage, allowing us to use acquired wisdom. The problem occurs when the beliefs that have been stimulated do not truly apply to the present moment.

  Beliefs and former experiences can infiltrate the present with tremendous force. Once we have found a memory that resonates with the emotions of the current experience, we are automatically guided to focus on the parts that are similar and to use our experience to predict what is most likely to happen next. As our working memory guides us to focus on the information that is likely to be most helpful to us, our brain may highlight certain aspects of a situation while obscuring others. Like the lenses in a pair of glasses, our beliefs have the potential to sharpen our understanding and add clarity. But beliefs that are not entirely pertinent to the present situation can distort what we are viewing, leading us to see things in ways that are skewed or blurred. Most of the time, we are not even aware that we are wearing lenses that can so drastically shape our understanding and interpretation of the world around us.

  Schemas

  The way people decipher and respond to the world around them is an area of extensive research. Dr. Aaron Beck (1976) and Dr. Mardi Horowitz (1991) have pioneered concepts that are useful for understanding this process. One of the most helpful of these concepts is schemas, which refers to the way that we attach meaning to events. Schemas are mental maps that store and organize information so that acquired knowledge can be used to interpret current events very quickly. For instance, most of us know that if we notice a red flashing light on the roof of the car behind us, we should pull over and speak respectfully if the police officer asks us to answer some questions.

  Cognitive psychology also explores the ways that schemas based on past relationships play a role in the present (Benjamin and Friedrich 1991; Young, Klosko, and Weishaar 2003). You may not realize it in the moment, but your expectations of how you are likely to be treated or how a situation will unfold is influenced by things that happened to you many years ago. This is particularly true in intimate relationships, where the sense of family can easily evoke schemas that existed between parent and child. For example, if you were made to feel valued by your parents, you will expect to feel valued by intimate partners.

  However, in order to completely understand the power of schemas, you must consider the emotions that were experienced in the events that were stored. If your parents emphasized the importance of studying and getting good grades in school, you may feel comfortable relating to others who have high expectations of you. However, that schema has the potential to evoke two different and conflicting expectations and feelings: If parents with high expectations praised you because you studied and did well on an exam, your schema concerning living up to expectations most likely would contain pride and a sense of accomplishment. However, if the exam wasn’t as easy as you expected, a poor grade might lead to a very different schema. Failing to meet your parents’ expectations would create a schema that contains intense feelings of shame and doubt about being good enough to ever please your parents. Both schemas involve situations where a child is judged by his parents, but the beliefs and emotional memories would be completely different. The child who is praised for doing well in school but rejected or disciplined for poor performance may feel proud of his intelligence but very sensitive to cues that he has failed to do his best. For him, being less than 100 percent successful may create intense feelings of shame or self-loathing.

  Emotionally Laden Beliefs

  How different schemas get activated is a subje
ct of interest to many psychologists (Hedwig and Epstein 1998). Psychologists now believe that just as thinking about a memory can evoke emotions, having an emotional experience can evoke old memories (Grawe 2006). For example, if we notice that someone is staring at us in a very stern and disapproving manner, we might suddenly feel very uncomfortable in a way that is identical to an earlier experience when we were challenged by someone in authority. Even if we can’t remember the name of a teacher whose scrutiny and disapproval provoked discomfort, the lessons learned from activated memories take over, leading us to believe that what happened before will happen again. From that point on, we focus on information that would only be useful to us in a repeat situation but might be irrelevant and possibly misleading in situations that are actually different. We automatically use the information stored in old schemas to guide us through the present moment and to help us predict what is likely to happen next. Although there are times that this can work in our favor, it can also work against us (Goldin et al. 2009).

  William’s Story

  William’s mother was an efficient woman who managed a household that included a husband who traveled frequently and their seven children, who were close in age. As a middle child, William had the benefit of having an older brother who had paved the way for some freedom at an early age but the mixed blessing of two older sisters who were just as domineering as their mother. Unlike his sisters, William was more interested in sports than school, and he resented being told when to study or go to bed. William learned that being home put him under the scrutiny of the women in his family. If he was home when his family discovered a failing exam grade or a poorly done chore, he would have to listen to endless criticism. Nothing he did seemed to meet their standards. However, if he managed to slip away, it seemed that everyone got busy or distracted with other things and he was off the hook.