Stop Overreacting Read online

  “Judith Siegel has given us a book with the force of revelation. Using exciting new research findings on brain physiology, she connects the emotional self to the body in which it lives in a manner that is both readable and wonderfully engaging. Stop Overreacting is a real tour de force; a book that is impossible to put down.”

  —Maggie Scarf, author of Intimate Partners: Patterns in Love and Marriage and Secrets, Lies, Betrayals: The Body/Mind Connection

  “Judith Siegel’s Stop Overreacting captures the essential emotional problems that cause people distress. Even better, she clearly delineates very useful and accessible strategies for resisting emotional overload and destructive responses to emotional situations. Stop Overreacting is a valuable guidebook for navigating the basic struggles of our emotional world.”

  —Beth Jacobs, Ph.D., clinical psychologist, adjunct faculty member of Northwestern University’s Feinberg School of Medicine, and author of Writing for Emotional Balance

  “Finally, a practical book that gets at what the real triggers are for overreacting in everyday situations. A terrific integration of varied ideas about how to understand present-day overreactions in light of past experiences, especially past relationship experiences. This book goes way beyond most guides to help readers think rationally and mindfully.”

  —Alan S. Gurman, Ph.D., emeritus professor of psychiatry at the University of Wisconsin School of Medicine and Public Health

  Publisher’s Note

  This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

  Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books

  Copyright © 2010 by Judith P. Siegel

  New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

  5674 Shattuck Avenue

  Oakland, CA 94609

  www.newharbinger.com

  All Rights Reserved

  Acquired by Melissa Kirk; Cover design by Amy Shoup;

  Edited by Elisabeth Beller; Text design by Tracy Marie Carlson

  Epub ISBN: 9781608820726

  * * *

  The Library of Congress has Cataloged the Print Edition as:

  Siegel, Judith P.

  Stop overreacting : effective strategies for calming your emotions / Judith P. Siegel.

  p. cm.

  Includes bibliographical references.

  ISBN 978-1-57224-723-9

  1. Emotions. I. Title.

  BF531.S565 2010

  152’.4--dc22

  2010011986

  To Mitchell and Jenna—the next generation of writers

  Contents

  Acknowledgments

  Introduction

  Section 1: The Mechanics

  Chapter 1. Understanding Overreactions

  Chapter 2. Processing Emotions

  Chapter 3. Interpreting Events

  Chapter 4. Family Values and Expectations

  Chapter 5. Splitting, Denial, and Flooding

  Section 2: The Triggers

  Chapter 6. Envy

  Chapter 7. Rejection

  Chapter 8. Criticism

  Chapter 9. Control

  Section 3: The Context

  Chapter 10. Challenges at Work

  Chapter 11. Challenges at Home

  Section 4: New Strategies

  Chapter 12. Getting Centered

  Chapter 13. Subduing Known Triggers

  Reading Recommendations

  References

  Acknowledgments

  Although many years have passed since I worked at Toronto’s Hospital for Sick Children, my interest in neurobiology was sparked by the neurologists and patients I was privileged to work with there. I am deeply indebted to Dr. Gordon Murphy, Dr. Keith Meloff, and, above all, Dr. John Stobo Prichard, who opened my eyes to the mysteries of the brain. Shirley Stinson, who chaired the Social Work Department, was my supervisor and mentor and taught me how to translate book learning into competent clinical practice. The families I have worked with in Canada and in the United States have been my best instructors, and I am grateful to have had the opportunity to learn through my work with them.

  I would also like to acknowledge my colleagues at the Silver School of Social Work at New York University. Special thanks go to Ann Marie Mareno, whose skill and commitment made it easier for me to concentrate on my writing projects.

  Thanks are also due to my editors at New Harbinger, whose push for clarity improved this manuscript considerably. Melissa Kirk and Jess Beebe encouraged me to develop exercises that could help people acquire the kind of insight that is usually only possible in a therapy environment. The level of self-help that they envision for New Harbinger readers is inspiring. I offer my most sincere thanks to my copy editor, Elisabeth Beller, who went beyond my expectations in order to help organize and complete the manuscript. Thanks also go to proofreader Jasmine Star.

  I would also like to acknowledge family members who have supported this project from its inception. My sisters Shelley Fingerhut and Wendy Sokolowski Pezim and mother, Lillian Siegel, are always there for me when I need them. I am particularly grateful to my sister Debbie Naftolin, who has frequently helped me regain my own emotional equilibrium and who provided useful suggestions to improve and even name this book.

  But above all, I would like to acknowledge two amazing teenagers who have pitched in and helped with Danny so that this book could be completed on time.

  Introduction

  Although we live in a complex world filled with challenges and disappointments, some people are better equipped to handle it than others. Why is it that some can reflect and respond to stressful situations in an honest but calm way while others just explode? Why do some withdraw or get deeply pessimistic when others can just let a troubling comment go? Have there been times when you found yourself so angry that you couldn’t see straight? Do people ever tell you that your interpretation of events is way out of line? Have reactions that seemed justified at the time proven to be inappropriate and damaging? This book is written for people who realize that their behavior is often influenced by emotional turbulence that they don’t understand and can’t seem to control.

  For years I have worked with people who have suffered the consequences of intense reactions. Only in hindsight can they reevaluate the actions that have hurt the people they love and complicated their lives. Perhaps this is your story as well. Perhaps you have lost your temper or made a hasty decision that has haunted you for years. If looking back on the things you have done in the past fills you with regret, then the information in this book may help you turn things around.

  My approach to this problem is based on years of experience, as well as the latest research. In 1990, President George Bush announced financial support for research on neurobiology and started what is now dubbed the Decade of the Brain. This research confirmed the mind-body connection and has spawned hundreds of additional research studies that explain how the brain regulates emotions. Much of this research confirms my clinical experience with individuals, couples, and families who have struggled with problems that are created or exacerbated by emotional overreactions.

  I view overreaction as an experience that involves both mind and body, past and present. In the first section of this book, I explain how beliefs, emotions, and physiological responses combine to create over­reactions. In the second section, I examine envy, rejection, criticism, and control—everyday dynamics that frequently trigger overreactions. These chapters illustrate how an overreaction begins and unfolds, as well as ways to keep a more balanced pe
rspective. In the third section, I present common situations that may arise in work and family relationships. Whether with coworkers, supervisors, customers, employees, spouses, parents, or children, overreactions can create havoc and complicate our lives. In the final section of this book, I review different strategies that will help you restore calm so that you can access responses that are thoughtful and appropriate. I also suggest ways to challenge beliefs and make peace with the past so that you will be less likely to react to situations that have triggered overreactions in the past.

  To truly benefit from this book, you need to take three risks. The first risk involves doing the end-of-chapter exercises. After years of avoiding certain feelings and memories, you will be asked to spend time with them. This takes courage and trust but will provide you with new ways of understanding and coping with your emotional world. The second risk involves persistence. If you were overweight and out of shape, the thought of reading one book and then running a mile in nine minutes would sound great. But you probably know that it would take time to build up your stamina and that it might take a few days before you can even walk an entire mile. Learning to work with intense emotional responses is not that different. By learning to explore your emotional world in small segments, you will find that you build your capacity to tolerate emotions that have the potential to overwhelm you if they’re not broken into smaller pieces. Each time you find a strategy that seems to help, you will need to practice it to achieve the end result you are seeking. The final risk involves self-acceptance. In this book I invite you to think about your life in new ways and with a new level of honesty. As a therapist, I know that this process is much easier when you are able to share your feelings and insights with a professional who can offer encouragement and support. I hope that the discoveries you make on your own will be a sufficiently meaningful incentive to keep you moving closer to managing your reactions in a thoughtful way.

  Throughout this book, I draw on case examples and composites of people I have seen in treatment over the past thirty years. It is my hope that you may see yourself in the stories of others who have experienced and overcome the destructive force of overreaction.

  Section 1

  The Mechanics

  While it is tempting to hope that we could just learn a few tricks to help us stop overreacting, the best way to create long-lasting change begins with an understanding of the process. This section of the book will help define and clarify the different aspects of overreactions.

  Chapter 1

  Understanding Overreactions

  Our reactions are created in a split second but may lead to actions that can reverberate for years. Although most of us would like to believe that our responses are justified and based on the truth, quite often this is simply not the case. Too often, a situation triggers old beliefs, expectations, and emotional memories that seep into the moment and color the way we interpret events. When this happens, our thoughts and feelings are no longer firmly rooted in the present. Even when we have no conscious awareness of these unfolding dynamics, our thoughts, feelings, and actions usually lead us to do something we later regret.

  Before reading this book, you might have thought that overreacting meant having an emotional meltdown. Perhaps you remembered a time that you just lost it and exploded in an eruption of rage. But it is also possible to overreact in the opposite way and withdraw. Perhaps there was a time when something minor led to days of misery when you felt depressed and pessimistic. Overreactions are best understood as intense responses that are fueled by past experiences and raw emotions that have not been thoughtfully sorted out. In other words, our reaction takes place before we have registered and fully comprehended the specific factors that are producing our response. Sometimes our emotions are so intense, it is difficult to think at all. Other times our discomfort leads us to try to stop thinking about the situation entirely, even though it is almost impossible to escape from the feelings.

  I have worked with clients who describe their moments of overreacting as “flicking a switch.” Their thoughts and emotions seem to come out of nowhere and completely take over the moment. Other clients complain of ruminations or invasive thoughts and worries that they just can’t shake. I completely understand what they are describing because I have had episodes of overreacting in my own life as well. If we are honest, all of us will acknowledge times when emotions took over and caused us to act in ways we later regretted. Knee-jerk reactions are part of the human experience, but some people are better able to identify their impulse to respond quickly and can use tools to help themselves regain a thoughtful perspective before any harm is done.

  Identifying the issues that we tend to react to most strongly is part of knowing how to subdue overreaction. Frequently we have been exposed to something that makes us feel hurt or anxious. In this book, I will refer to that event as the trigger of the overreaction. Each of us has specific areas of sensitivity that we have pushed into the back of our awareness. Perhaps there were times in our childhoods that we felt threatened, diminished, shamed, or rejected. If the surge of emotional memory is too much for us to handle, our defenses step in to manage it for us. This chapter will examine the different kinds of responses and dynamics that occur when we overreact.

  Not Everyone Reacts the Same Way

  In the same way that we experience different degrees of hunger or sleepiness, we have a range of depth and intensity in our feeling world as well. When it comes to emotions, each one of us has a different comfort zone—both experiencing our own emotions and being stimulated by someone else’s. Maybe you grew up in a family that was comfortable with open expressions of anger as well as affection. Family members might scream at each other for a few minutes and then end up laughing and hugging. Other families tend to disapprove of emotional displays and are reserved in how they show what they feel.

  Each of us also has a different range of emotional equilibrium, or the degree to which we can manage stressful experiences in a calm and thoughtful way. Our emotional equilibrium is composed of many factors, including our temperaments, past experiences, and general states of well-being. Just as a young child is likely to have a temper tantrum when he is tired and hungry, we adults are more easily irritated and prone to overreaction when we are under physical or emotional stress. Lack of sleep also changes our brain chemistry in ways that prime us to overreact (Walker and van der Helm 2009). But even on the best day, each of us has a breaking point where the combined strength of the emotion that has been evoked and the emotional memories that have been stimulated is simply too much to bear.

  The Exploder and the Imploder

  Just as we each have our own personal breaking point, we all have different ways of showing it. While one person might not be able to contain her emotions and will just let it all out, someone else might react to feeling overwhelmed by becoming withdrawn and distant. These are equally powerful but fundamentally different responses. If you are the kind of person who tends to get agitated and loud, then you are an exploder. If you find yourself putting your feelings aside and trying to push upsetting things out of your mind, then you fall into the imploder category.

  These two basic approaches to managing states of being overwhelmed tend to develop over time. There are hundreds of research studies that look at the different ways children react to stressful situations. Perhaps you can remember how you handled stress when you were in grade school. If you were one of the kids who acted up in class or on the playground, then you probably showed signs of being an exploder. Exploders have a difficult time holding their feelings in and easily become agitated and even aggressive when they are on overload. But children who internalize stress are having an equally difficult time. If you were the kind of child who imploded, your problems may not have been noticed by teachers and parents. People might have described you as being shy when you were actually too confused or overwhelmed to fully engage in what was going on. Kids who implode often escape notice until they show signs of being depressed or beco
me physically ill with headaches or stomach cramps. Even then, adults don’t always understand that children’s symptoms may be related to holding their feelings in.

  Why We React the Way We Do

  When it comes to understanding patterns of behavior, there is usually a mix of nature and nurture at work. The way that you learned to manage your emotional reactions is a combination of things you inherited, such as temperament and genetic predisposition, as well as things that you were exposed to (Ochsner and Gross 2007). How your parents reacted to stress and problems is definitely one clue, but how they responded to you is equally telling. The messages that you picked up about showing emotions, and the value placed on being expressive versus being contained, are all contributing factors. Understanding your own unique style is an important part of learning to change it. Whether you cry, rage, withdraw, or become deeply pessimistic, there are probably better ways to cope with difficult moments.

  Not All Strong Feelings Are Overreactions

  Having a powerful feeling is not always a sign that you are overreacting. There is a depth and richness to life that comes from being able to connect to the feeling world. Under certain circumstances, strong emotions are entirely appropriate and even helpful. Often our feelings are signals of problems that need to be dealt with. Trying to build a buffer to dampen emotional awareness usually works against us and deprives us of enjoying moments of happiness. It is far better to commit to living an emotionally rich life that allows us to feel fully engaged. But there are times when we are strongly moved for reasons that we don’t fully understand and that are inappropriate to the situation.

  Sorrow, for example, is a feeling that we would expect if we suffer an important loss. But some of us tend to blow minor things out of proportion and experience an intensity that would only be called for if, indeed, the event was a true catastrophe. A parent who loses a child has faced a horrific experience that would normally be accompanied by extreme grief, sorrow, sadness, and anger. Having your team lose an important game is hardly tragic. Yet some people get thrown into a major funk or become enraged when their team doesn’t make it through the playoffs.